Grief: The Myth of the 5 Stages

There are no stages in grief. And certainly not five of them. 

There are plenty of myths and misunderstandings when it comes to the complex world of grief and bereavement. Perhaps the idea that as a grieving person, you can expect to go through five different emotional states - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - and in this particular order, has become one of the most pervasive and confusing. 

The psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler Ross, who this model is attributed to, was a pioneer in her work with terminally ill patients. In the late 1960s she was one of the first professionals to sit and talk with people who were coming to terms with the ending of their own lives. At the time, people facing their imminent deaths were largely voiceless. The very subject of death and dying was a significant taboo, not least in the medical world - something we live with at least the resonances of today.

Kubler Ross used the best research methods available at the time - to listen, observe and write down what terminally ill patients were actually feeling. It was deliberately personal and subjective. In 1969 she wrote On Death and Dying, which has helped hugely in shifting perspectives for those working with the terminally ill. 

In this sense, the 5 stage model is descriptive - but not prescriptive. It isn’t a map. 

Kubler Ross’s work was adapted to give us a greater understanding of the grieving process, but it was never evidenced, as the theory came to be attributed more universally to all experiences of grief.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful, if you’re grieving, if you could have a sense of where you were in this experience, how long it would take, and how far you still had to go? If only it was that linear. It all fits rather neatly alongside the common myths that ‘time heals’ and that the best way to respond to grief is to keep busy - that if you distract yourself, or push the feelings away for long enough, time will pass, you’ll move through ‘the stages’ and things will shift. 

If you’re grieving, you’re likely to be experiencing a whole range of complicated, complex, and often conflicting feelings. Maybe you’ve been ricocheted from deep sorrow to anger, relief, hope for the future, and then guilt in only a few hours. 

I also have never, in all my client work, encountered someone in actual ‘denial’ of what has happened. You may be feeling shock or numbness. You may engage in - sometimes helpful, sometimes even harmful - behaviours that help numb or distract you from the pain; drinking, over-working, endless TV - that ‘keeping busy’ again. But I have never met anyone in denial of what has actually happened, who doesn’t come to me saying… “My ____ died”. 

There may not be 5 stages in grief, but there are clear actions you can take to integrate the loss you are living through, to grow around your grief to a life more than worth having. Finding help and support is the first step. You certainly won’t do this alone, whatever shape or form that support looks like, from friends and family to colleagues and community.

And there are actual steps and stages (in 7 sessions to be precise) to The Grief Recovery Method™ , the best approach I’ve found so far in empowering people to recover from grief. We use the word ‘recover’ extremely carefully and intentionally, with strong evidence of the efficacy of this process. It will change how you understand and respond to loss. As one client who I recently guided through the programme put it, The Grief Recovery Method™ completely and lastingly “turned down the volume on the pain”.

Who you choose to go through this process with really matters. If you’d like to find out more about working with me as a practitioner, and how we can best shape that work to make the biggest difference, do get in touch here.